A few months ago, a commenter asked, "why are you always so sad?"  Caught off guard, I reasoned that I'm not always sad, but simply too busy to write when I'm happy.  I was wrong.

In retrospect, I can see every step along the way where I had thought, "it can't get any worse than this."  Life felt bad when I couldn't get a good job out of college.  It felt even worse when I saw my job prospects coming out of law school.  Every time I felt like it couldn't get any worse, it did, and I'd find myself looking back, thinking, "I don't know what all the fuss was about -- I'd gladly switch places with the old me."

I wrote previously, quoting John Mayer's song, "Gravity", that we often take things for granted.  In fact, the first step to happiness is to focus on what we do have, rather than what we don't.  I can see that so clearly now with my life, the way I wish more than anything to turn back time so I could do things a bit differently.  When you find yourself suddenly able to empathize with those who have taken the "easy way" out of their lives, you start to really appreciate the little things.

But life isn't a video game.  There are no do-overs.  You have one chance at everything, including life itself, and every action has consequences that you will ultimately have to shoulder.  I realize that I have made a bigger mess of things; instead of fighting for the parts of my life that I should have felt thankful for, I kept focusing on my regrets -- kept hating myself -- and allowed myself to slip even more.

I now have a heavy, self-wrought burden that no one can help me with, and at times, I don't know how I can possibly make it.  Still, I'm wary of thinking, "it can't get any worse than this," if only because I really don't want to let it get worse than this.  I don't know how I'll pull it off -- how I'll get back to the person I've wanted to be -- but for now, I'll just be content that each new day is another chance to turn it all around.


I remain truly yours,

.taintedwine

In a minute, yet another year draws to a close.  I'm not one to celebrate these things.  Dates of significance, the first snow, the falling rain -- they tend to bring me down, but for the rest of you, I wish you all a safe and bountiful new year.

Truly yours,

.taintedwine

The three most dreaded days of my life are just a week away, and I don't think I've been this scared before.  I've had so many nightmares lately, and yet I can't seem to do anything but find ways to digress...

I know I shouldn't be so half-assed -- either have a blog, or don't -- but I often filter out what I really want to say.  I guess I'm somewhat ashamed of my feelings; that and I can't make up my mind whether or not I want certain people to find out certain things...

第一次是偶然.  第二次是必然.  第三次是命中注定...

This may sound silly, K, but I wish you held me in the same regard as I hold you.  I wish you knew how unhappy I am with the current situation -- the last post was written with you in mind -- but I also don't want to add to your burden...

As I help my brother plan out his college years, I'm really happy and proud of him.  I also wish I was in his shoes...

Almost a year and a half ago, I cut off contact with my best friend because of how miserable she made me feel.  We haven't spoken since, and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  I thought, or at least hoped, that time would heal all wounds, but evidently it doesn't always work that way.  That void hasn't been filled since...

The past five years have been such a waste of my life.  Even three years ago, I seemed relatively sure of myself.  Not so anymore; I feel like one big, dysfunctional disappointment after another...

Speaking of disappointment, I'm not sure how I will ever make my parents truly happy, considering all they want for me is to become Christian.  14 years ago, I had no idea I would still be agnostic today...

I wonder if my friends know it makes me happy when they read my blog, especially when they don't tell me afterward that I think too much...

If I could have one wish come true and couldn't just wish for happiness, I'd wish for someone to tell me that everything will be alright, and for me to be certain of it...

.taintedwine