A few months ago, a commenter asked, "why are you always so sad?" Caught off guard, I reasoned that I'm not always sad, but simply too busy to write when I'm happy. I was wrong.
In retrospect, I can see every step along the way where I had thought, "it can't get any worse than this." Life felt bad when I couldn't get a good job out of college. It felt even worse when I saw my job prospects coming out of law school. Every time I felt like it couldn't get any worse, it did, and I'd find myself looking back, thinking, "I don't know what all the fuss was about -- I'd gladly switch places with the old me."
I wrote previously, quoting John Mayer's song, "Gravity", that we often take things for granted. In fact, the first step to happiness is to focus on what we do have, rather than what we don't. I can see that so clearly now with my life, the way I wish more than anything to turn back time so I could do things a bit differently. When you find yourself suddenly able to empathize with those who have taken the "easy way" out of their lives, you start to really appreciate the little things.
But life isn't a video game. There are no do-overs. You have one chance at everything, including life itself, and every action has consequences that you will ultimately have to shoulder. I realize that I have made a bigger mess of things; instead of fighting for the parts of my life that I should have felt thankful for, I kept focusing on my regrets -- kept hating myself -- and allowed myself to slip even more.
I now have a heavy, self-wrought burden that no one can help me with, and at times, I don't know how I can possibly make it. Still, I'm wary of thinking, "it can't get any worse than this," if only because I really don't want to let it get worse than this. I don't know how I'll pull it off -- how I'll get back to the person I've wanted to be -- but for now, I'll just be content that each new day is another chance to turn it all around.
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
-- Somewhere Only We Know // Keane
I remain truly yours,
.taintedwine
Comments (2)
this totally hits home. like you, i think im going to take it one day at a time. hang in there. we'll both get there really soon! *hugs*
Somehow most of your posts have struck a chord with me. I had started reading your blog from the post with reference to Landy's song "Happy Birthday to Me" when i was very unhappy and found it rather sad but touching. Anyway I believe Sep is your bday mth- Happy bday and may all your wishes come true. Take care and do continue to write more